The first time I saw her...
Everything in my head went quiet.
All the tics, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.
When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I’m thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips..
Or the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek.
I knew I had to talk to her.
I asked her out six times in thirty seconds.
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.
On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or fucking talking to her...
But she loved it.
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times if it was Wednesday.
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times.
I’d always watch her mouth when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked
when she talked;
when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.
At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.
She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her.
Some mornings I’d start kissing her goodbye but she’d just leave cause I was
just making her late for work...
When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking...
When she said she loved me her mouth was a straight line.
She told me that I was taking up too much of her time.
Last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place.
She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but...
How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touched her?
Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t.
I can’t – I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.
Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.
I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars...
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.
I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel..
How she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe.
How she blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out…
Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once — he doesn’t care if it’s perfect!
I want her back so bad...
I leave the door unlocked.
I leave the lights on.
Thanks to Arke for the suggestion.
More interesting spoken word/poetry HERE.
From what I conclude, he is a guy suffer with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or can be called OCD and that guy is in love with a woman. In the beginning, the woman enjoys being with him. The woman loves how the guy treated her, how he kisses her many times because he forgot and keeps thinking if he already kiss the woman or not. She also loves that she felt safe when they moved together, she loves how he turn off and on the lights several times, basically, she loves everything about him. She loves him. But later on, the guy obsessed with the woman. The woman did not feel comfortable, so she leaves him. The guy really feeling crushed because he loves the woman. He wants the woman back. Therefore, the guy tries to overcome his OCD by leaving the door unlocked and leave the lights on to get the woman back.
ReplyDeleteI first stumbled upon this video when I have just been heartbroken and wanted to watch and listen to some things in the internet to cheer me up. When I saw this particular video it broke me, it brought me down to tears. I personally don't have OCD nor have I ever met anyone who has, and I genuinely can't imagine how hard it is for them to have a significant other. The special someone might feel annoyed or uncomfortable with the person with OCD as they usually do many things that may annoy others. However I am sure that if it is true love then the significant other will look past all your disabilities and disadvantages. My favourite line from this poem is "I can't breathe because he only kisses her once, he doesn't care if it's perfect... I want her back so bad". You can see all the pain the person is going through as if he were saying "I didn't ask to be this way" and shows much much he loved her. Regardless this is slam poetry and I am uncertain if this is truely his real emotions or just a poem. It is a wonderful piece however and I am glad that it is in this blog.
ReplyDeleteI got shivers watching this video. Neil Hilborn-the man in the video- has a mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder who is telling the story of how he fell in love and got left by a girl he loved. What’s special about his poem is the way he tells it. He shows his disorder verbally and physically. The ticks and repetitions of the same phrases that occur throughout the power shows how much power his illness has control over him and how powerless he is over it. Whether he knew it or not, his OCD and ticks dramatized his poem even more. And as the audience gradually starts to understand just how bad his OCD is, they start to understand why the girl in question so special to him, as highlighted in the line ‘and she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on’. Neil’s sorrow and frustration grows as he continues to tell the story, where you can hear the pain in his voice as he talks about his lover leaving him because of his illness. Neil Hilborn wrote a great poem about heartbreak and delivered it in the most heartbreakingly beautiful way.
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