The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Troubleshooter:
I am a working woman in my 40s. I had a happy life with my gentle husband and three children--that is, until he began suffering from depression.
As he and I put a lot of effort into overcoming his depression as soon as possible, he recovered and can go to work without having to take any medication. But in the process, he began spending more time on his hobbies instead of with his family. He doesn't spend much time at home recently, which may be due to the fact that I let him do whatever he wanted when he was ill.
I'm not happy with the situation. The most unforgivable thing is that he secretly stayed overnight at another woman's home last year. She's his colleague and more than 10 years younger than him. He told me that they drank together at her apartment where she lives alone.
When I found out, he insisted: "She's a good friend and important to me. We didn't do anything wrong. Trust me."
I tell him not to go to her house, but he won't listen. He now goes to her house and comes home the next morning, lying to me each time. Once, he even went off on a day trip with her to a hot spring resort.
I thought about living separately from him, but decided to endure as I love him.
Although we discussed the matter over and over again, it doesn't seem as if he'll end his relationship with her. Should I accept it as friendship between a man and a woman?
K, Niigata Prefecture
Dear Ms. K:
You have a job, raised your children and supported your husband when he was suffering from depression--how hard this has been for you. You're amazing.
Speaking of his relationship with the other woman, going off on a trip with her to a hot spring resort and coming home in the morning from her place is just outrageous.
It has nothing to do with whether he feels guilty about it, but whether you, as his wife, are unhappy with it. Even if they do not have sexual relations, he shouldn't do it if his wife doesn't feel good about her husband staying overnight with a single woman.
He went back to work successfully. So why don't you ask him to come back home? A family has its own rules in the same way that society and the workplace have their own rules. A husband and his wife are equal. One's life cannot go on at the expense of the other's feelings.
If he does something that makes you unhappy and lets you endure it, he cannot be a gentle person.
As he has suffered through depression, he should be aware how hard it is to suffer mentally and should recognize that he needs to be considerate to others. So tell him how much you are suffering. Don't silently endure this situation; reinstate the rules of married couples.
Junko Umihara, psychiatrist
(from Oct. 23 issue,HERE)
TROUBLESHOOTER / Customer's lavish gift makes me uncomfortable
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a woman in my 50s. I work part-time as a supermarket cashier and need advice about a male customer in his 80s.
He came into the shop for the first time about 18 months ago and encouraged me by saying, "Hang in there." At the time, I was still getting used to doing such busy work. I had also just lost my beloved father, so I was moved to tears.
He comes into the shop once a week and each time visits me at my cash register to chat briefly. He sometimes comes with his wife.
One day, he began asking me to lunch. I declined his offers, finding a good excuse each time. But finally, I accepted his offer after he stopped by twice on a hot day to invite me to lunch.
When he said goodbye, he handed me an envelope, saying: "You've been kind to me for the past year and a half. It's just a modest amount of pocket money." I declined the gift many times, but he put it into my bag. When I opened it at home, I found it contained 200,000 yen. I tried to return it to him the next time he came into the shop, but he wouldn't take it.
Another customer gives me candy each time she comes into the shop, but his gift is too much! As a result, I've been unable to concentrate on my work. What should I do?
S, Kanagawa Prefecture
Dear Ms. S:
One of your customers gives you candy each time she comes to your store. I suppose you are kind to people and that puts them at ease with you.
Some elderly men are not good at understanding other people's feelings. My father was that way too. The money was probably meant as gratitude for the pleasant time he had talking with you over the past 18 months.
He probably never thought that inviting someone to lunch and giving them a great deal of money as a gift is an embarrassing and thoughtless action. He seems to be wealthy.
He won't take the money back--and if you insist, it may hurt his feelings. You could return it to his wife, but it would probably cause trouble, so maybe it's better not to do that. Why don't you put this issue on the back burner and keep the money for a while? Also, treat him as you normally do.
Meanwhile, report the matter to a superior you can rely on and ask if he or she can keep the money on your behalf. When you have a chance, tell the elderly customer: "The money has weighed on me mentally, so I have kept it at the company. I want to stay friends, so can I return it to you?"
Don't take this too seriously. Keep the money untouched in the envelope and wait for the chance to return it to him.
Megumi Hisada, writer
TROUBLESHOOTER / My son doesn't want to attend Boy Scout activities
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a housewife in my 30s and my husband is about 20 years older than me. I have a problem with our son, who is a third-grade primary school student.
He behaves appropriately at school, but when he comes home, he behaves like a baby and always clings to me. He can't even greet our neighbors. So, at my husband's insistence, I enrolled him in the Boy Scouts to take part in outdoor activities.
People involved in the activities are all nice, and the atmosphere is good. But my son doesn't want to go to them.
Nevertheless, when I take him to the activities, he doesn't shy away and seems to enjoy being with other members.
He's probably just lazy and doesn't want to be bothered.
My husband also sees this, but he won't allow him to quit the activities. As he is busy at work, I always have to take my son to and from the activities and attend events that require parents' participation.
As my husband will soon hit mandatory retirement age, I'm thinking about starting work myself.
My patience with forcibly taking my son to his activities has almost run out. But I can't find a way to make my husband understand the situation. What is your advice?
C
Dear Ms. C:
I understand it's very tough for you to take your son to his activities against his will.
You may feel like getting angry over his negative attitude.
But before doing so, you have something to take a look at.
Your husband has insisted it's important to participate in the activities, but has not provided support to you. You have been exhausted by dealing with your son alone. Under the circumstances, it's unreasonable for your husband to insist on your son's participation.
The problem is that you can't openly discuss the matter with your husband. As he is much older than you, I imagine he has decided policies of your family life and you have just followed him. But you and your husband need to discuss your son's upbringing openly.
You want to start working after your husband retires. From the beginning, why don't you try to build a relationship where you can talk equally?
If you can't talk face-to-face, you can tell him your feelings in a letter. By writing them down, you can make your thoughts clear and also be relaxed enough to listen to him calmly.
For your son, seeing his parents seriously discuss his upbringing and future is a precious chance to learn about life.
Masami Ohinata, professor
(from Oct. 22 issue,HERE)
What do you think of the advice given in the cases above? Would you give different advice?
I agree with Masami's advice regarding the last case, although it is a bit vague. In order to build the equal relationship Masami Ohinata speaks of, they must both sit down and have a proper talk, where they truly listen and take into consideration of each other’s contrasting opinions to meet halfway. It might take time to get him used to the idea of the new dynamics of the relationship, but as long as you steady him into the idea whilst also standing your ground on your opinions, it’ll be fine. In regards to the problem with the son, perhaps there might be another reason why he might be acting that way; one that he hasn't been able to express out loud. They should talk to their son in order to figure out his cause of laziness and shyness and not make their decisions based on assumptions. While the relationship between a child’s parents is important, but the relationship between a child and his parents is an essential bond that affects them all throughout life, especially during childhood.
ReplyDeleteWhat miss K had done to his husband is highly admirable, as she showed great sincerity to her Husband by being by his side helping him through one of his downfall in life. She took the patience of taking care of him by doing him lots of favor while also understanding the reason behind his behavior during his depression. In contrast, his husband seems to be taking things for granted, he showed little respect toward miss K despite her effort in helping him overcome his depression. As a person who had already overcome his depression and a husband who owns children, his actions showed a lack of responsibility. Even though he argued that the woman he’s seeing a lot recently is just a good friend of him it is still unacceptable to justify his actions especially for his wife who had been by his side through thick and thin and his children whose he had the responsibility to take care of. Simply an apology might not even be sufficient for his actions to his wife as he had not think highly of his Wife’s feeling by doing the things he had done.
ReplyDeleteFor the first troubleshooter, this talks about a woman problem about her husband stays out all night at his girlfriend’s place. I personally feel bad to her, as she always be there when her husband suffering from depression. I think what Ms. K’s husband do is wrong, even though he actually just have a talk with his girlfriend, but by doing it every night and stay there and come home the next morning. i do agree with the advice given by Junko Umihara, he says that Ms. K should tell him how much she is suffering and do not silently endure this situation. Ms. K’s husband should understand the feeling as he once get through the depression. And also I think Ms. K should discuss this matter again with her husband, maybe she have to accept her husband and his girlfriend friendship. But she have to make some limitation, like her husband can’t stay over at his girlfriend or he should not go on a trip just with his girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteI will talk about the second troubleshooter, which talking about a woman who work in a supermarket and one of her customer gives her a gift that makes her feel uncomfortable. According to her, she tried to give it bag to him but he always refuses or put it back on her bag. I can relate to her when someone gives you a gift, do not have to be the expensive one, but actually you are doing nothing and he or she do not have to give anything to us makes me uncomfortable too. As I read the advice for Ms. S from Megumi Hisada, I can learn too that when we insist to give the gift back, we can make them hurt. And Also I agree with the writer, that some elderly are not good at understanding other people’s feeling. That’s why we have to be the one that understand them, if she still do not want to accept the gift than keep it close and do not spend the money.
DeleteFor the last troubleshooter, this one talking about a housewife that having a hard time because of her son does not want to attend Boy Scout activities but on the other hand her husband insist her son to attend Boy Scout. According to Ms. C, her husband forced their son to join Boy Scout because he always act like a baby when he comes home but when he is at school he will act appropriately. The idea of having a talk about this problem with her husband is really good. I think if you can communicate every problem calmly, you will find the solution easier. Maybe Ms. C can ask her husband to go to their son activities that require parents participation, as Ms.C husband will retire soon and Ms. C will have to work and it will be so hard to Ms. C to attend the events when she has a job to do. But in my opinion, as long as their son doing great outside their family and their neighborhood, I think it’s fine. Ms. C and her husband can talk to their son slowly to make their son understand.
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