TROUBLESHOOTER / Customer's lavish gift makes me uncomfortable
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a woman in my 50s. I work part-time as a supermarket cashier and need advice about a male customer in his 80s.
He came into the shop for the first time about 18 months ago and encouraged me by saying, "Hang in there." At the time, I was still getting used to doing such busy work. I had also just lost my beloved father, so I was moved to tears.
He comes into the shop once a week and each time visits me at my cash register to chat briefly. He sometimes comes with his wife.
One day, he began asking me to lunch. I declined his offers, finding a good excuse each time. But finally, I accepted his offer after he stopped by twice on a hot day to invite me to lunch.
When he said goodbye, he handed me an envelope, saying: "You've been kind to me for the past year and a half. It's just a modest amount of pocket money." I declined the gift many times, but he put it into my bag.
When I opened it at home, I found it contained 200,000 yen. I tried to return it to him the next time he came into the shop, but he wouldn't take it.
Another customer gives me candy each time she comes into the shop, but his gift is too much! As a result, I've been unable to concentrate on my work. What should I do?
S, Kanagawa Prefecture
Dear Ms. S:
One of your customers gives you candy each time she comes to your store. I suppose you are kind to people and that puts them at ease with you.
Some elderly men are not good at understanding other people's feelings. My father was that way too. The money was probably meant as gratitude for the pleasant time he had talking with you over the past 18 months.
He probably never thought that inviting someone to lunch and giving them a great deal of money as a gift is an embarrassing and thoughtless action. He seems to be wealthy.
He won't take the money back--and if you insist, it may hurt his feelings. You could return it to his wife, but it would probably cause trouble, so maybe it's better not to do that. Why don't you put this issue on the back burner and keep the money for a while? Also, treat him as you normally do.
Meanwhile, report the matter to a superior you can rely on and ask if he or she can keep the money on your behalf. When you have a chance, tell the elderly customer: "The money has weighed on me mentally, so I have kept it at the company. I want to stay friends, so can I return it to you?"
Don't take this too seriously. Keep the money untouched in the envelope and wait for the chance to return it to him.
Megumi Hisada, writer
(from Oct. 28 issue, HERE)
TROUBLESHOOTER / My son doesn't want to attend Boy Scout activities
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a housewife in my 30s and my husband is about 20 years older than me. I have a problem with our son, who is a third-grade primary school student.
He behaves appropriately at school, but when he comes home, he behaves like a baby and always clings to me. He can't even greet our neighbors. So, at my husband's insistence, I enrolled him in the Boy Scouts to take part in outdoor activities.
People involved in the activities are all nice, and the atmosphere is good. But my son doesn't want to go to them.
Nevertheless, when I take him to the activities, he doesn't shy away and seems to enjoy being with other members.
He's probably just lazy and doesn't want to be bothered.
My husband also sees this, but he won't allow him to quit the activities. As he is busy at work, I always have to take my son to and from the activities and attend events that require parents' participation.
As my husband will soon hit mandatory retirement age, I'm thinking about starting work myself.
My patience with forcibly taking my son to his activities has almost run out. But I can't find a way to make my husband understand the situation. What is your advice?
C
Dear Ms. C:
I understand it's very tough for you to take your son to his activities against his will.
You may feel like getting angry over his negative attitude.
But before doing so, you have something to take a look at.
Your husband has insisted it's important to participate in the activities, but has not provided support to you. You have been exhausted by dealing with your son alone. Under the circumstances, it's unreasonable for your husband to insist on your son's participation.
The problem is that you can't openly discuss the matter with your husband. As he is much older than you, I imagine he has decided policies of your family life and you have just followed him. But you and your husband need to discuss your son's upbringing openly.
You want to start working after your husband retires. From the beginning, why don't you try to build a relationship where you can talk equally?
If you can't talk face-to-face, you can tell him your feelings in a letter. By writing them down, you can make your thoughts clear and also be relaxed enough to listen to him calmly.
For your son, seeing his parents seriously discuss his upbringing and future is a precious chance to learn about life.
Masami Ohinata, professor
(from Oct. 22 issue, HERE)
TROUBLESHOOTER / My daughter-in-law is too cold-blooded to me, my wife
The Yomiuri Shimbun
Dear Troubleshooter:
I'm a man in my late 70s, and live with my wife on annual pension and bank savings. However, I feel lonely as I'm unable to communicate with our eldest son's wife.
My son is completely under his wife's thumb. I was shocked to hear that she told our second daughter, "I'll take care of my parents, so I want you to take care of your own parents."
When my son and his wife took out a loan to buy a condominium, I assisted them financially. However, as soon as they finished paying off the loan, she sold the condominium. Now they rent an expensive condominium, and I heard they've decided to live with her parents at their condo in the future.
She usually comes to our house only once a year, on Jan. 1. She always eats New Year's dishes at our house, expects us to give New Year's gift money to our two grandchildren and leaves. That's it.
We grow vegetables in our garden, and I used to give some to her very often. But now, I don't want her to eat them.
She came to get some congratulatory gift money when our granddaughter entered high school. She'll probably ask us to give some money when her daughter marries or has babies. But I don't want anything to do with such a cold-blooded family anymore. How should I cope with this matter?
I, Hyogo Prefecture
Dear Mr. I:
From the viewpoint of a man of your age, I understand why you're angry. When I was young, a married woman was supposed to give top priority to her husband's parents.
But these days, a majority of people support the idea that a husband's parents should be taken care of by his family members, and a wife's parents should be taken care of by her family members.
According to the Cabinet Office's 2012 Annual Report on the Aging Society, spouses are the most likely to care for the elderly, followed by their children and their children's spouses. The report indicates more elderly people are taken care of by their own children than by their sons' wives.
It's not a matter of mindset, but math.
People around 80, including you, have an average of five siblings, and your generation gave birth to an average of two children. This means all children need to care for their parents, regardless of gender or if they are the eldest child.
Caring for elderly parents by oneself is too much, so there are social support systems in place, such as nursing care insurance.
I do think that visiting once a year at New Year's is not enough. But if she thinks that you view them as a cold-blooded family, she'll probably stop visiting altogether.
Next New Year's Day, tell her, "It's good that you came," with a welcoming smile. You could start practicing it now.
Lastly, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your son and his wife to return the money you gave them to buy the condominium.
Keiko Higuchi, critic
(from Oct. 20 issue, HERE)
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