Problems solved?

An advice column in the U.K.'s Guardian newspaper.

"My in-laws take far more interest in my sister-in-law's baby daughter than in ours, but it doesn't seem to bother my husband. Should I confront or avoid them?"

Advice by Annalisa Barbieri

PROBLEM: I am dreadfully upset by the behaviour my in-laws display towards our baby. We live minutes from them but hundreds of miles from my parents. We have a nine-month-old baby girl, S, while my sister-in-law has a baby girl a few months older, A.

Since A was born, my mother-in-law has become obsessed with her to the point that she has her more than her own mother does and tries to convince everyone that she is the most perfect baby. This wouldn't bother me if she didn't imply, by comparing them, that our baby is less perfect.

She has no time for our baby as she is too busy obsessing about baby A. In her lounge she has 30 or more photographs of baby A (no exaggeration) while there are one or two of our baby.

I find this deeply upsetting and offensive but my husband doesn't seem so bothered. On many occasions I have tried to allow her to spend some time with our baby but she has cancelled because something has come up that suits baby A and her parents better.

While my husband acknowledges their lack of interest he says there is no solution because if he mentions it to them, any effort they consequently make will not be sincere. He also says he will fall out with them if he raises the issue. I don't want him to fall out with his parents but I find it increasingly difficult to bite my tongue in social situations when his mother makes provocative comments.

I am eaten up with anger and upset, and do not know how to handle the situation – to avoid them completely would be difficult and to confront them about it would upset my husband. 

ADVICE: I wonder why your husband feels he'll "fall out with them completely if he raises the issue". Are his links with his parents so tenuous that such a conversation would result in estrangement? I sense a hotbed of emotions. I wish I knew more about your situation: what things were like with your in-laws before baby S came along; your husband's relationship with his parents, and indeed his sibling; your father-in-law's role in this. Is the mother of baby A your mother-in-law's daughter or her daughter-in-law?

It's not unusual for a mother to be closer to her daughter's children than her daughter-in-law's children. This doesn't make it fair or right, but it can be because she doesn't want to interfere too much with the way her son's wife does things. It also sounds as if you miss your own family and perhaps hoped your husband's family would be good stand-ins.

I also wonder if you're in a stronger position than you realise? Your mother-in-law sounds as if she's trying to impress you. Perhaps she is slightly in awe of your mothering skills, and feels she (or her daughter if it's her daughter's baby) has to "keep up". She may even feel judged by you and be using the lack of photos of your baby etc as a passive-aggressive gesture.

There could be countless reasons and I think it's important to try to step back and get some perspective, from all sides.

Eileen Murphy, a psychotherapist (ukcp.org.uk), suggests that you might try to ask some "gentle, non-challenging questions" such as, "I see that you don't have many photos of S. I am sorry, have I not given you the best ones?"

(I'm afraid I would also be tempted to be incredibly childish and get a huge blow-up photograph on canvas, or possibly velvet, of my baby, and present it to her.)

Murphy wonders if there is another family member who could be involved in "gently probing what is really going on? Or is it like the majority of families where such potentially painful and upsetting issues are ignored and smoothed over?"

I've said before that, sometimes, issues with husbands can be projected on to mother-in-laws. I'm not saying that this is what's happening in your case, but I do think your husband needs to support you a bit more and that you would be justified in being miffed about his inertia.

Ultimately, you can't change your mother-in-law. But don't despair. To be kind for a moment, the role of a mother-in-law isn't always easy. You go from starring role as a mother one day, to mere understudy.

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