You can offer advice in a maximum of TWO of the cases below (2 comments)
Here are five requests for advice from Mariella Forstrup who is the "agony aunt" for The Guardian (UK) newspaper. Choose one and offer your advice BEFORE looking at Mariella's advice and the online comments by the newspaper's readers. In fact, you can tackle more than one problem if you want.
1. My wife is unhappy, and I don’t like our life together
What is your advice? After you have given it, and if you are interested, you can take a look at Mariella's advice HERE.
2. My boyfriend doesn’t like my parents. What does this mean for our future?
What advice do you have? After you have offered it, and if you are interested in what Mariella's advice was, you can take a look HERE.
3. I do my best to meet people, but I’m lonely and don’t have any friends
The dilemma I’m utterly friendless. I thought about writing this email a year ago but instead tried to get out and meet people. So I take regular gym classes, I do yoga and I’ve just started sewing classes – all hobbies that include social interaction. I chat to the people there, they chat back: it’s not like we’re all too in-the-zone to converse, despite the individual goals. There’s no reason I’m so lonely – I’m a nice person (I think!). I’m interested in others and ask questions and have opinions to share. When my boyfriend and I go out with one of his (several) groups of friends, I feel like a loser. That may be more a reflection of them putting me down to make themselves feel better, but even when I click with someone I eventually feel that way. You’ll say I’m projecting my insecurities, but I’m well practised at keeping them under lock and key, and my emotional IQ is unnecessarily – and uselessly – high. I’ve a healthy level of confidence, enough to gain and retain employment, start hobbies, enough for aspiration. I’m doing everything I can, but no one wants to be my friend. What’s more pathetic than that?
What advice would give? After you have written it in a comment below, and if you are interested in what The Guardian's "agony aunt" wrote, you can take a look HERE.
4. Will I regret not having children?
The dilemma I am married and in my late 30s. My husband and I are happy in all aspects of our lives. We have both (individually and together) chosen not to have children. I have never felt "maternal" and while I love children I have never been tempted to have my own. I believe that if I had been a decade younger when I got married, or if my husband had been very eager to be a father, I might have acted differently, but I have felt this way pretty consistently my whole life. I don't see this as a problem, but people around us do. Family and friends tell us of the regret that will inevitably set in a decade from now, especially when I realise that I cannot have children biologically. Others tell us that our relationship will become weaker with no children to hold it together. I understand all of this intellectually, but my gut tells me that my decision is correct for me and my husband. Am I missing something? Is it so unnatural for a woman not to want her own child?
Do you have any advice? Write it in a comment below if you do, and then if you are interested, you can take a look at the advice given by Mariella HERE.
5. Should I keep contacting the son I had adopted who refuses to respond?
What advice can you offer? After you have written it, and if you are interested, you can take a look at advice given by The Guardian's Mariella HERE.
I can understand the dilemma experienced by the woman in the fourth case. So many wives and women feel the pressure of having kids when they’re married and still young from everyone and that pressure feels especially overbearing when you just simply don’t want to. And that’s okay. Having children is a big decision to make, one that shouldn’t simply be decided based on peer pressure alone. The only people that should have a say when making that decision is the couple alone, most especially the woman’s, as having a child will impact their lives the most. As long as the two are enjoying their marriage just fine without having kids and do not feel the need to have them, then it's fine because in the end, the main purpose of marriage is to be connected with the person you love most for the rest of your life. Besides, there are still other ways to have a child like surrogacy and adoption if they ever change their minds in the future.
ReplyDeleteFor the first problem, I think that it is a general problem that occurs in a married life. This problem is actually can be solved if the family concerned wants to discuss the problem properly. I suggest them to have a family discussion to share each other complaint. For a wife, It is normal to be upset with the untidiness, but she doesn’t have to be extremely frustrated. For the children, It is important to have self awareness, it doesn’t mean that if you are teenagers then you can do everything you want. For the husband, if you can only see that your life together with your wife only getting worse, then you are not a good husband. Being the leader of a family, you need to think clearly, and to maintain a harmonious family life. Support is very important, thus giving more support to your wife and try to make her calm might help her much, and act firmly to you children to have their own self-awareness might help to reduce your family problem. In conclusion, this kind of problem in your family can be solved if all are willing to change the bad behavior and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI would like to discuss the second case (‘My boyfriend doesn’t like my parents’). In my opinion, to build a serious relationship, it needs time and also blessing from the family. Family takes a really important part because family is our greatest support. From the case, we know that the boyfriend came from a broken home family, and it turns out that he doesn’t like his girlfriend’s family. There must be some reason why he doesn’t like them. So, my first advice is to find out the reason behind that. Secondly, after knowing the reason, i would suggest you to think twice maybe more, whether the reason is make sense or not. If your family doesn’t do something wrong to him, then the problem is in himself. Of course, this thing will affect your future. When you decide to marry him although you know that he doesn’t like your family, in the future, he may ruin your relationship with your family. So, the most appropriate thing to do now is to find the reason, think about it first (it’s okay to take a lot of time), then finally decide which is better for your future.
DeleteThe first dilemma is a really bad problem that could cause a lot of future problems among the family if they are ignored and not solved. The father should not be so closed minded and stop having thoughts like she's being unreasonable. Thinking and assuming things like she hates him and stuff will not allow them to have a proper conversation and find a solution to their daughter's problem. Try to understand from her perspective and why she finds messiness something bad and if there's something wrong. Maybe she doesnt hate the husband, but just angry at something else like a bad problem in her life. They should talk calmly about each other's feelings and be honest to each other what they feel, and then when they're better, they should find a solution to solving their daughter's messiness. Don't let something small like messy rooms become the reason of divorcing.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading all of the dilemmas, I have decided to give advice on problem number one and three. These advices are something that I think is best as I never really experienced those problems myself, so I’ll try my best to give advice that doesn’t disadvantage one side. For the first problem, I think that in marriage, there shouldn’t be anyone that isn’t happy and both parties should try their best to work it out since marriage is a long-term relationship. However, marriage is not all smooth and there will be lots of problems. Like for example this dilemma. In my opinion, as a husband, you should be able to support your family no matter what. If your children are untidy and that makes your wife frustrated, you should take part and tell your children to be tidier. You should support your wife as well, even though sometimes she irritates you. If you can’t help it, you should talk about what you’re feeling with your wife and try to solve it together. When you realize that she is generally unhappy, and you feel like you can’t do anything about it, you should at least try your best to help her and from that she would feel like you’re trying your best here. I always feel like any problems can be solved, especially in marriages. Just remember why you both love each other at the first place and don’t let the bad times outcome the good ones. Also, always appreciate and accept one another.
ReplyDeleteAs for problem number three, I think that it’s good you try to socialize and meet other people. When it comes to finding the right person as a friend for you, it’s quite hard. I personally doesn’t like to socialize just because I find it hard to find something to talk to with new people. But if you already try to socialize and even make a conversation with other people, but they still don’t want to be your friend, I wouldn’t say that it’s your fault. You should not change yourself just to make others accept you. If that person truly wants to be your friend, then they’ll accept you no matter what. When you go out with your boyfriend and his friends, try to blend in and talk to them, even if you didn’t know what they’re talking about. Try to step out of your comfort zone once in a while. As a conclusion, never change yourself just to make others like you.
DeleteIn this comment I want to try to answer for problem number 4 question about having a baby. As human being we have a nature to keep our species survival and existence, one of it is by having an offspring aka baby. When I read the case, I think the couple already have a good life but stagnant which going to be boring when they get older. Judging from the edge, the couple really should consider to have a child as soon as possible. Having a child will make their life more colorful and sometimes exciting. It is hard to rise a child and it is costly to pay all the bill for your child education, health care, etc but you will find a deeper meaning of love in process. You will definitely regret to not having any child because you will miss the happiness to teach your own child first world or see them grown up and have their own family.
ReplyDeleteWell a lot of people are facing this kind of problem to where their partner is not used to their family or the family is not used to their partner. And this can be caused by many reasons, different background, different culture, different religion, the place where they’re from is different, it’s hard for them to accept someone from outside of the family, and many more other reasons. But if you’re planning to make this relationship serious, it is very important to have your parents blessing because it would be hard in the future. So it is important to fix this issue. I would advise you to talk to your partner about this, ask him what is the issue, why does he hate your parent. It is bad to assume things in a relationship. And once it is clear what the issue is, tell him about your family and try to discuss with your boyfriend on this topic, so that he would understand and make effort to be close to them.
ReplyDeleteFriends really do help you in life. They are people you can run to when you are down, people who you can make fun of and joke around with, people who you can hold onto any time any where. There are many levels of friendship actually. Some you just know, some you actually trust, and some you are really attach no one can take you apart. But you can’t really force anyone to be your friend, it just happen naturally. It depends on what kind of friend you want, but after reading your situation, it seems that you actually do have a few friends. You do have people around you. There are people from gym class, yoga, sewing class, you got a boyfriend, and your boyfriend friends know you. So just keep on doing what you're doing, you're doing great. I bet that soon you will have a friend, maybe you already do but you just don't notice it.
DeleteIn this comment section I am going to give out my advice on the fourth dilemma. It is explained above that the wife is sceptical about her decision of not wanting to have children because the people around her tell her that she's going to regret her choice. In my opinion, the decision about whether to have children or not in a marriage should solely based by the couples (husband and wife) alone and not by the other people. Having children is different than being parents. In my opinion, being parents means that we have a lifetime responsibility to raise, nurture, protect, and to educate our children. And if the wife's gut tell her that her decision of not wanting kids in her marriage is correct for her and her husband, then all I can say is that she should follow her instinct. Referring to the wife's question: "Is it so unnatural for a woman not to want her own child?" My answer is no, it is not unnatural for a women not to want her own child. Because a women should have her own voice in deciding whether to have a children or not in a marriage, and the husband should respect whatever the decision the wife makes.
ReplyDeleteI also like to discuss the second problem. It is quite hard to choose between family and your boyfriend, but in my opinion, the girl should reflect to herself how important a family means to her. If I am in that situation, I would no doubt break up with him because family means everything to me. But if the girl has different values and perspective towards her family, then maybe she will be fine with the situation of her boyfriend not liking her family. But from the statement of dilemma above I can see that her family and boyfriend are equally important to her. My advice is that she should discuss with her boyfriend regarding the cause of his hatred towards her family and what her family has done to him that makes her boyfriend dislikes them. And then after the discussion, maybe the girl can tell her boyfriend that he should not dislike her family because her family would like him as much as she likes him, so has nothing to worry about.
ReplyDeleteFor the dilemma number four, I think that she should not listen to what people say, especially because she is very sure that she is happy without children. Having children is always a mandatory thing for people, especially in the old days. Parents used to have so many kids, like 6 or 7, maybe even more. Now, even though people in our society have a more open mind, they still think that having children is important in a marriage and can make your lives better. Though, that is not always the case. In this dilemma, she and her husband thinks that their decision is correct, than so be it. I think that if she ever gave in to the peer pressure and decided to have kids just because of what people are saying, she might not be happy in the future. If she is very sure that she is doing the right thing then it is risky to try and have kids because it can be bad for them and their kid.
ReplyDeleteNow for the second dilemma, I think that she should really find out about why he doesn’t like her parents. I think that parents should always come first before our significant other, especially if we are not married yet. It is important for the girl to understand her boyfriend’s position, how he is in a broken home and probably experienced deep stress and trauma. But, she also need to see why he doesn’t like her parents. Maybe it’s what they said, or what they did that bothered him. But if they’ve been nothing but lovely to him, and he says he just doesn’t like them, then I think it is time to re consider the relationship. Even though he had an ugly past, it doesn’t give him the right to dislike her parents if they did nothing wrong. He should also realise that things are just the way they are and if he loves the girl, he should also tolerate her parents and respect them just like how it should be, despite how things were between his own parents.
DeleteThe one that I will be talking about is problem number four and problem number five. As for problem number four, I think that not having a child will be very regrettable. Honestly I have never think about it but when my sister gave birth to his first son, I was a bit happy as an uncle and up until now I always play with him. I never think that I would enjoy playing with him this often. So yes, it is better to have children. As for problem number five, I think it is better to not stop contacting her son. My suggested act is to make a surprise meeting for her son that has been ignoring her and ask his other son to help her. She can also ask the new parents’ help. I am pretty sure that the new parents will help her. Unless otherwise, then her only hope Is only the son that still talk to her.
ReplyDeleteIn this comment I want to answer dilemma number one about an unhappy wife. As a couple you need to understand almost everything about your partner and give tolerance of their behavior. You can only do this by communicate with your partner honestly and frequently. It is hard to live together with someone that have some unique trait but as a couple you need to overcome this. You need to find the core problem and try to fix it with give and take strategy. You willing to give up something and your partner willing to do the same. The simple example is to make a rule in the house that everybody must follow so there will be order and no chaos. My parents sorta have this kind of problem to in the past when my sister starting her elementary school in Surabaya. So they make a set of rule to keep every thing in order.
ReplyDeleteI would like to give an advice to the wife who does not want to have children. Although I have a different view than her, I can understand why someone would not want to have children. Having a child is a big responsibility, and it is not easy to raise them. Imagine having to be responsible for a human being your whole life, it is definitely hard and could be something bewildering for some people. What I could say is, this problem is totally normal and is happening to a lot of married couple. The husband and the wife knows what’s best for them, therefore despite what everyone else said, if they think that it is best for them not to have children, then they should do so. Other than that, there is no guarantee that with children your marriage life will be stronger. It is even harder when you have children and later on you both choose to separate ways. So, I think it totally fine for married couple to not want children.
ReplyDeleteWill I regret not having children? This question has been dreading many married couples for quite a while, again for the reasons already said. But rest assured, in these days you are not missing anything out if you don’t have children. In a way, you might even be doing the whole world a favour by not reproducing more humans. You do know the Earth is overpopulated right? One less children won’t cause any harm but rather would benefit the planet. It is completely natural, woman could also put her career ahead of her maternal instinct, because not everyone loves children, but everyone sure do love money and power. In case you’re worried that one day you might want to have children of your own. Relax, medical technology has advanced so far for mankind to properly utilize it, you can store you and your husband seed, to one day be merged in a surrogate mother.
ReplyDeleteRest assured, there are still plenty of options to choose.
Your wife is unhappy? Well first thing first, let me tell you the most mainstream advice that anyone could have given to anybody that is in a healthy, long-term, committed relationship. You see, relationship is built and is based on trust and compromise. If your wife is unhappy and she’s slowly driving you crazy, think back to the selfish decisions you’ve made with her, and how many times she trust you with your decision (no matter how dumb it may be) and she decided to compromise with it. If she never compromise at all, then buddy, why in the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ are you even marrying her? But let’s say she did, so you should too. Although your children might have your sympathy for being a total shipwreck like you were back then, think about how your wife might feel. Try to compromise for her sake every now and then.
ReplyDeleteThis dilemma is pretty interesting. When it comes to choose between our parents or our beloved ones it is going to be so hard to choose. Choosing between our lover or our parents is very frustrating. She loved her parents so much while on the other side she also loved her boyfriend who didn't like her parents. If I have to choose, I will choose my parents in the end. The reason why I choose my parents is because they are the one who already raise us since the beginning and I believe that they love for us is real and eternal. I believe that parents will never leave us while our boyfriend could leave us in any second. Family is one of the places that feel like home. The most important reason is if he truly loves us, then he will also loves our parents too since our parents is also part of our life.
ReplyDeleteI also have another solution for the second dilemma. I think she have to ask her boyfriend about what particular reason that makes him doesn't like her parents. If we know the reason then she could discuss this together. She could consider her boyfriend reason and ask her parents to improve if there is something that they could improve. I know that her boyfriend comes from broken home family so she have to be careful when talking about family so her boyfriend didn't feel sensitive. The girl should understand her boyfriend position and understand that it still feels awkward for him to see her close relationship with her parents. The thing that she had to keep in mind is if his reason why he doesn't like her parents doesn't make sense then she has to question his love. Coming from a broken home family doesn't justify you to dislike her parents. If he truly loves her then he will love her parents too or at least he will respect her parents if he still doesn't like her parents in the end.
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